So off I went to our friendly, local hardware store to replace the batteries in my night-vision goggles. As I entered, I was struck dumb. There stood a menacing 6-foot human effigy that looked like Big Foot, covered in shredded camo netting. It loomed over a display of enough military necessities to satisfy every red-blooded American patriot. And you could actually buy Big Foot for $79.99!There were stacks of MREs and used 50cal ammo cans. And a sign read: “Military supply bunker on aisle 27!” Naturally, I zoomed over to aisle 27 and found enough supplies to outfit every NRA buddy’s dream bunker.

I immediately calculated. The cost of my purchases, including Big Foot himself (might be a bit of company on those chilly nights), came to $5,830.

Hmmm. Have to dip into my retirement fund. But what better investment? It’s for the good life, right? I needed ammo for my lucky AK (nicknamed Purple Rain), and made a note to buy some from my neighbor’s brother-in-law, Nathan, who is out on parole. The next day, I tried one of the MREs, to get into the spirit of things. It tasted like week-old unrefrigerated humus.

Trying to envision my future as vanquisher, I leaned back in my lawn chair, a tear forming in my eye.

No more Zia burritos. No more Ska beer. No more Maria’s books. (That’s OK; I don’t read much).

Most of all, no more friendly banter at the store amid a cheerful array of sun hats and shower curtains. I think I need to re-evaluate this vanquishing thing. I bet ol’ Rex would like these MREs, and maybe little Lionel next door could use Big Foot for a Halloween costume. He sure would scare the neighbors.

Mary Benson

Durango