Having conducted rigorous scientific research pertaining to climate on the internet, I have concluded, with a nod to the Socratic Method, that any system as unimaginably complex as the weather – AccuWeather notwithstanding – can only be attributable to an omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent deity like the one who purportedly created humankind in his own image. Only the All-Powerful One could create the heavens and the Earth and the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees, and stuff like TV and the Internet and the Herald and politicians and shopping malls and things. And when he puffs his mighty cheeks and blows twisters across trailer parks in Tornado Alley, or suffers a little digestive upset resulting in the disgorging of things like the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull (or the Icelandic language), or invents other interesting things like drought, famine, starvation and vector-borne pathogens or parasites, or cancer, or mass-extinction events, or thermonuclear weaponry, that’s when we mere mortals must tremble and throw-up our hands and shake our rattles at the sky.

This is why we must have unconditional appreciation for our representatives, who understand these deeper things, and who have only the very best in mind for every last one of their constituents. Science, like all important things, should not be left to the whimsy of scientists. Science-stuff, everything from anthropology to zoology, must be carefully vetted, analyzed and presented to an intellectually ill-equipped populace by politicians. That’s why Gawd made ’em.

Davitt M. Armstrong

Durango