{"id":53933,"date":"2026-03-25T20:55:47","date_gmt":"2026-03-25T20:55:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/the-escalation-trap\/"},"modified":"2026-03-31T18:44:57","modified_gmt":"2026-03-31T18:44:57","slug":"the-escalation-trap","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/the-escalation-trap\/","title":{"rendered":"The escalation trap"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Ron
Ron Price<\/span>cca<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>\n

Editor\u2019s note: This is the first column in a five-part series.<\/em><\/p>\n

I think it is fair to say that, as a nation, we do not have a very good track record of doing relationships well. While marriage is certainly included in that observation, the problem extends much further. We see similar struggles in families, workplaces, churches and even friendships.<\/p>\n

So why does this happen? Why do so many relationships that begin with good intentions eventually become strained, distant or even broken? What happens to all those hopes and expectations people have at the beginning?<\/p>\n

At the risk of being overly simplistic, in many cases, relationships get sick, and the people involved simply do not know the cause or the cure. Sometimes they get so sick that the parties involved begin to believe there is no cure.<\/p>\n

Researchers at the University of Denver have studied relationships for more than 25 years and identified several patterns that can quietly undermine and eventually destroy them. Relationship expert Gary Smalley reviewed their findings and used a memorable word to describe these patterns. He called them \u201cgerms.\u201d<\/p>\n

Just as germs can weaken the human body if left untreated, these relational germs can weaken and eventually destroy relationships.<\/p>\n

The first of these germs is called escalation.<\/p>\n

Escalation occurs when little things become big things. It can start with a simple comment such as, \u201cI didn\u2019t like it when you did that.\u201d The other person responds, \u201cOh yeah? Well, what about when you did this?\u201d Before long, the conversation has turned into a full-blown battle.<\/p>\n

Most relationships experience occasional escalation. But if every disagreement turns into World War 7,533, the relationship is clearly in trouble.<\/p>\n

We see escalation everywhere. It shows up in family arguments, workplace conflicts, road rage and sometimes even in church disagreements. Small issues quickly spiral out of control.<\/p>\n

Part of the reason this happens has to do with how our brains work. When we become upset, we can quickly shift into the emotional part of our brain known as the limbic system, where our fight, flight or freeze reactions originate.<\/p>\n

The limbic system reacts quickly and emotionally without the careful reasoning provided by the frontal lobe, the thinking part of our brain. You have probably heard someone say, \u201cI was so mad I couldn\u2019t think straight.\u201d When emotions run high, rational thinking can be temporarily overridden.<\/p>\n

Psychologist John Gottman refers to this condition as being \u201cflooded.\u201d<\/p>\n

Some of us remember cars with carburetors. Occasionally, they would get flooded with gas and simply would not start. Pumping the gas or repeatedly turning the key only made the problem worse. The solution was to wait until the excess fuel cleared out.<\/p>\n

The same principle applies in heated conversations. When one or both people are emotionally flooded, continuing the discussion almost guarantees things will get worse rather than better.<\/p>\n

Sometimes the best solution is simply to take a break. Wait 20 or 30 minutes and allow emotions to settle before returning to the conversation.<\/p>\n

It can also be helpful for families, workplaces and other groups to agree on a simple signal that means \u201ctime out.\u201d The sports signal of forming a \u201cT\u201d with your hands works well. Others might simply say \u201ctime out\u201d or even quote the famous Bob Newhart line, \u201cJust stop it!\u201d<\/p>\n

The point is not to win the argument. The goal is to prevent escalation before it causes lasting damage.<\/p>\n

I once heard about an older couple who decided that if they were ever going to argue, they had to do it while naked. As you might imagine, this rule prevented them from arguing in public places. I do not recommend this approach for the workplace, but at home, away from children, it might be surprisingly effective.<\/p>\n

Animals operate largely on instinct, and humans resemble animals most when we do the same. Escalation is what happens when instinct takes over and reason steps aside.<\/p>\n

The good news is this: once we recognize escalation for what it is, we are far better equipped to stop it before it damages the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n

Ron Price, who has a master\u2019s degree in counseling from the University of New Mexico, is author of the \u201cPlay Nice in Your Sandbox\u201d book series and creator of the CPR Mastery video course. He is available for workshops and staff training. Contact Ron at ron@ronprice.com<\/a> and (505) 324-6328. Learn more at ronprice.com.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

disagreements grow into big conflicts<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":13307,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5758,6311,6310,5857],"tags":[1091,29],"naviga_topic":[],"class_list":["post-53933","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-columnists","category-columns","category-lessons-from-the-sandbox","category-newsletter-columnists","tag-columns","tag-newsletter"],"acf":[],"author_name":"dh_admin","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/53933","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=53933"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/53933\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":63292,"href":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/53933\/revisions\/63292"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13307"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=53933"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=53933"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=53933"},{"taxonomy":"naviga_topic","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/naviga_topic?post=53933"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}