{"id":32472,"date":"2023-08-07T23:33:58","date_gmt":"2023-08-08T05:33:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/acknowledging-the-inevitable-when-not-everyone-wants-to-talk-about-it\/"},"modified":"2026-03-31T01:58:30","modified_gmt":"2026-03-31T07:58:30","slug":"acknowledging-the-inevitable-when-not-everyone-wants-to-talk-about-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dh.durangoherald.com\/tj\/acknowledging-the-inevitable-when-not-everyone-wants-to-talk-about-it\/","title":{"rendered":"Acknowledging the inevitable when not everyone wants to talk about it"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\"Bayfield-area
Bayfield-area residents discussed the afterlife at Thursday\u2019s Death Cafe in the Pine River Library. The Death Cafe, based on an international program, gives people the opportunity to discuss a socially taboo topic: death.<\/span>Shannon Mullane\/Durango Herald<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

For most of us, we have or will experience a loved one passing on, whether it\u2019s through sickness, natural causes or something more sudden. At the very least, we all die.<\/p>\n

A small group of people gather once a month to discuss death and dying, normally at the Mancos Public Library.<\/p>\n

Plates of diced cantaloupe and gingersnaps; pitchers of iced tea and filtered water were propped on a table that seated eight people. They greeted one another as each entered the room.<\/p>\n

Since October 2018, the library has held its Death Cafe the third Thursday of every month, where people voluntarily talk about their experiences of death. They feel heard and understood under a topic that not many feel comfortable speaking about.<\/p>\n

Approximately 16,400 Death Cafes occur worldwide and 85 countries host them. Inspired by Bernard Crettaz, a sociologist and writer who hosted Caf\u00e9 Mortal events to talk about death at bistros after his wife passed away in 1999, the British mother-son team, Sue Barsky Reid and Jon Underwood developed the Death Cafe model in September 2011. Six years later, Underwood suddenly passed away and the Cafes continue to hold strong globally, often known to be paired with tea and cake.<\/p>\n

Over the past couple of months, the Mancos Library\u2019s Death Cafe averaged around seven to eight people. Midge Kirk, who organizes adult programs at the library, said their Death Cafe is in its 12th year.<\/p>\n

Since the cafe guidelines swear by confidentiality, the members who participated in this past event will remain autonomous.<\/p>\n

Sitting around a rectangular table, they find solace with one another.<\/p>\n

The dialogue began when one man started talking about his older brother, 69, who has Stage 3 bladder cancer. He and his wife revealed concerns for him. He lives alone in rural Oregon and they want to help cut a cord of firewood before winter. There\u2019s a problem though. His brother doesn\u2019t seem as concerned and keeps on forgetting about their offer.<\/p>\n

As the couple navigate through this difficult period, they remember when death was prevalent.<\/p>\n

The younger brother copes with his brother\u2019s dying by reading The Last Chapter: Gene Amole on Dying<\/em>. He recalls a moment in the book when Amole, a Rocky Mountain News <\/em>columnist, spends his last Thanksgiving with friends and family.<\/p>\n

\u201cA pumpkin pie never tasted better \u2026 what joy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Another member\u2019s brother-in-law passed away five days prior. Her stance in the group was poetic as she elaborately expressed her narrative.<\/p>\n

She supported almost every member with symbolism and helped them understand a little more deeply what the dying go through.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe die as we have lived,\u201d she said when talking about the older brother who was dying of bladder cancer. \u201cMaybe his desire is to be independent, since he\u2019s been independent his whole life.\u201d<\/p>\n

The overall question was how do we navigate death, especially when it comes to people we love and care for.<\/p>\n

Program director Kirk said, \u201cIt\u2019s their death, not ours.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meaning we have to let go of our control when it comes to supporting other people\u2019s last days, weeks and maybe years.<\/p>\n

Another member, 82, who didn\u2019t say much at first, pitched in and began talking about her mother\u2019s death from Parkinson\u2019s in 2014. As she recounted all the events \u2013 from her father solely caring for his wife to the moment when he couldn\u2019t change her diaper one more time because of his grief and his wife\u2019s continuous pain \u2013 he suggested that he and his daughter do something while her mother\/his wife lay dying in hospice.<\/p>\n

Nine years later she\u2019s still anguished when she remembers how they administered the three morphine doses that the nurse left for them. The night before all of their family members said their last goodbyes over the phone because they knew she was closely approaching her transition.<\/p>\n

At the Death Cafe, she wept and said she feels like she killed her mother, even though she displayed symptoms of death that people normally have in their last 24 hours. At the same time, she also felt relieved that the morphine was there to forgive her mother\u2019s suffering.<\/p>\n

\u201cMorphine really doesn\u2019t kill someone who is actively dying,\u201d the other member who spoke eloquently said. \u201cYour mom was actively dying, and your dad saw that as suffering. Morphine just made her relax.\u201d<\/p>\n

Although she will probably process that experience for the rest of her life, the real reason she attended the Death Cafe that day was because of her best friend\u2019s death in September. It wasn\u2019t until a month and a half after she died was when she found out her cherished friend passed away.<\/p>\n

They shared 30 years of journals throughout their close friendship. When she found out about her friend\u2019s passing, she began questioning death and what it means.<\/p>\n

How much of death is in the mind of the people you leave behind? How much of your life is there even though you\u2019ve passed on? And how long does that last?<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I heard about her death, it just devastated me,\u201d she said. \u201cAll I could think about was, \u2018how did I not know she was gone?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

She wondered if she should burn the journals to spare her daughter from reading them after it was her turn to die.<\/p>\n

Others chimed in with their opinions.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s what works for you,\u201d one member said.<\/p>\n

Another said, \u201cI would give anything to read my grandmother\u2019s journal.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not all heavy talk though, here at the Death Cafe.<\/p>\n

Eventually sadness and grief is countered with humor, and that\u2019s what quickly happened in the hourlong meeting.<\/p>\n

The same member who lost her mom to Parkinson\u2019s mentioned that the very next day her dad removed all the \u201chandicapped\u201d signs placed throughout their home. She said it seems like his whole life he only read instruction manuals, so the next logical step was to remove the handicap signs. People laughed.<\/p>\n

Another member recalled his experience when his wife passed on.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was holding my wife as she died and felt her last breaths. It was very difficult, but it was a remarkable experience,\u201d he said. \u201cShe would take a breath and then quit. There might have been 20 seconds or something like that where she\u2019s gone down <\/em>(her breath), <\/em>then all of a sudden she\u2019d breathe again. That went on for a while. The spaces in between breaths got further apart and I knew when the last one was. I could feel it, and she was not here anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

After he described his experience, another member asked if he felt a sense of her lifting. He said yes but based on his own spiritual bias.<\/p>\n

She mentioned that she experienced that with her dog and multiple people nodded their heads in agreement.<\/p>\n

Shortly after, the cafe adjourned just after they agreed to have August\u2019s Cafe in the cemetery. A suitable location in the summer where maybe tea and cake will be enjoyed.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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